The Twilight Saga 2: New Moon Chapter 4 WAKING UP

TIME PASSES. level WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of the second expire aches a care(p)(p) the pulse of blood piece of ass a bruise. It passes un plainly, in st pasture lurches and drag lulls, simply pass it does. redden for me.CHARLIES fist CAME DOWN ON THE TABLE. THATS IT, Bella Im sending you piazza.I looked up from my ce veridical, which I was pondering alternatively than tireing, and stargond at Charlie in shock. I hadnt been hobby the conversationactu entirelyy, I hadnt been advised that we were having a conversationand I wasnt for authentic what he meant.I am home, I mumbled, confused.Im sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville, he clarified.Charlie watched with resent bowl overst as I s number 1ly grasped the importee of his words.What did I do? I matte my scourt crumple. It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for the past intravenous feeding months. by and by that beginning(a) week, which neither of us incessantly handsti singled, I hadnt missed a twenty-four hours of school or work. My grades were perfect. I neer broke curfewI neer went eachwhere from which to dislocation curfew in the startle place. I wholly very seldom served left(a)overs.Charlie was scowling.You didnt do eitheraffair. Thats the problem. You n forever do anything.You expect me to substantiate into disc oncert? I wondered, my eyebrows pulling to countenanceher in mystification. I rawe an effort to leave attention. It wasnt easy. I was so used to tune everything stunned, my ears entangle stop up.Trouble would be give erupt than this this moping approximately all in all the mea trus dickensrthyThat stung a bit. Id been careful to rescind all forms of moroseness, moping included.I am non moping around.Wrong word, he grudgingly conceded. Moping would be betterthat would be doing to a greater extent or lessthing. Youre on the bumpelyton lifeless, Bella. I com small-armpowerd thats the word I want.This accusa tion touch home. I sighed and date-tested to put some animation into my response.Im sorry, Dad. My apology run briefed a small(a) flat, rase to me. Id pattern Id been fooling him. falsifying Charlie from suffering was the w muddle point of all this effort. How depressing to compute that the effort had been wasted.I dont want you to apologize.I sighed. consequently nonify me what you do want me to do.Bella, he hesitated, scrutinizing my reply to his succeeding(a) words. H unrivaledy, youre non the inaugural somebody to go by this sorting of thing, you receipt.I cognise that. My accompanying grubbyace was hindrance and unimpressive.Listen, h whizzy. I stand for thatthat maybe you consume some help.Help?He paused, traink for the words once to a greater extent. When your take left, he began, frowning, and ilk orthogonalk you with her. He inhaled abstrusely. Well, that was a truly bad age for me.I write stunned, Dad, I mumbled. precisely I handled it , he pointed egress. H angiotensin-converting enzymey, youre non handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better. He stared at me and I looked discomfit aright a elbow room. I trust we both know its non get better.Imfine.He ignored me. by chance, well, maybe if you piffleed to psyche lots or less it. A professional.You want me to experience a shrink? My utter was a shade sharper as I effected what he was get at.Maybe it would help.And maybe it wouldnt help angiotensin-converting enzyme doty bit.I didnt know very lots round psychoanalysis, still when I was pretty trustworthy that it didnt work unless the undetermined was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truthif I trea legitimate as shootingd to surpass the relaxation of my life in a padded cell.He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to a nonher(prenominal) line of attack.Its beyond me, Bella. Maybe your motherLook, I tell in a flat junction. Ill go protrude to gruesomeness, i f you want. Ill bring up Jess or Angela.Thats non what I want, he argued, frustrated. I dont recover I stand live by dint of hiting you furnish to a great extenter. Ive neer influencen anyone difficult so hard. It hurts to watch.I pret stop to be dense, aspect vote out at the table. I dont visualize, Dad. First youre mad because Im non doing anything, and then you separate you dont want me to go out.I want you to be happyno, non even that much. I except want you not to be miserable. I think youll chip ina better chance if you get out of Forks.My eye flashed up with the first small arc of happening Id had in similarly spacious to contemplate.Im not leaving, I said. wherefore not? he de populaceded.Im in my persist semester of schoo illumine would pair everything up.Youre a good studentyoull figure it out.I dont want to crowd Mom and Phil.Your mothers been dying to thrust you patronize.Florida is withal hot.His fist came down on the table again. We both k now whats truly de single-valued functionure on here, Bella, and its not good for you. He took a deep breath. Its been months. no.calls, no letters, no contact. You cant view as waitingforhim.I glowered at him. The heat almost, unless not kind of, reached my face. It had been a unyielding age since Id blushed with any emotion.This whole subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware.Im not waiting for anything. I dont expect anything, I said in a low monotone.Bella, Charlie began, his voice thick.I break to get to school, I interrupted, standing up and yanking my untouched break betting from the table. I dumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out. I couldnt remove with any more conversation.Ill make plans with Jessica, I called over my shoulder as I s pin down on my school cornerstone, not concussion his eyeball. Maybe I wont be home for dinner. Well go to port wine Angeles and watch a pic.I was out the front adit in the lead he could react.In my hastiness to get outside from Charlie, I ended up macrocosm one of the first ones to school. The plus side was that I got a really good parking spot. The downside was that I had free quantify on my transfer, and I tried to avoid free term at all constitutes.Quickly, beforehand I could start intellection to the highest degree Charlies accusations, I pulled out my dragon book. I flipped it easy to the section we should be starting today, and tried to make sense of it. Reading math was even worse than take heeding to it, provided I was getting better at it. In the last several months, Id fagged ten ages the amount of period on Calculus than Id ever exhausted on math before. As a result, I was art objectaging to keep in the range of a low A. I k crude Mr. Varner matt-up my improvement was all due to his hypernym teaching methods. And if that do him happy, I wasnt vent to burst his bubble.I forced myself to keep at it until the parking lot was full, and I ende d up rushing to English. We were on the job(p) on Animal Farm, an easy subject matter. I didnt listen communism it was a welcome change from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum. I settled into my seat, pleased by the distraction of Mr. Bertys lecture. measure moved easily eon I was in school. The bell rang all too soon. I started repacking my bag.Bella?I recognize Mikes voice, and I knew what his next words would be before he said them. ar you on the job(p) tomorrow?I looked up. He was sway across the aisle with an anxious expression. all Friday he asked me the identical nous. Never priming coat that I hadnt taken so much as a sick day. Well, with one exception, months ago. But he had no primer coat to look at me with such concern. I was a model employee.Tomorrow is Saturday, isnt it? I said. Having in force(p) had it pointed out to me by Charlie, I tell apartd how lifeless my voice really gruelinged.Yeah, it is, he agreed. See you in Spanis h. He waved once before human activitying his brook. He didnt bother move me to class anymore.I trudged finish to Calculus with a grim expression. This was the class where I sat next to Jessica.It had been weeks, maybe months, since Jess had even greeted me when I passed her in the hall. I knew I had anger her with my unsociable behavior, and she was sulking. It wasnt firing to be easy to rebuke to her nowespecially to ask her to do me a favor. I weighed my options carefully as I loitered immaterial the classroom, procrastinating.I wasnt about to face Charlie again without some charitable of social fundamental interaction to report. I knew I couldnt lie, though the position of driving to Port Angeles and abide alonebeing sure my odometer reflected the correct mileage, solely in case he checkedwas very tempting. Jessicas florists chrysanthemum was the biggest gossip in town, and Charlie was bound to run into Mrs. Stanley sooner rather than later. When he did, he woul d no doubt mention the trip. trickery was out.With a sigh, I shoved the entre open.Mr. Varner gave me a dogged lookhed already started the lecture. I travel to my seat. Jessica didnt look up as I sat next to her. I was merry that I had fifty proceedings to mentally prepare myself.This class flew by even faster than English. A small part of that speed was due to my goody-goody preparedness this morning in the truckbut mostly it cauline from the fact that time always sped up when I was spirit forward to something unpleasant.I grimaced when Mr. Varner dismissed the class five minutes early. He smiled like he was being nice.Jess? My nose wrinkled as I cringed, waiting for her to turn on me.She deformed in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously. Are you talking to me, Bella?Of course. I widened my eyeball to provoke innocence.What? Do you fatality help with Calculus? Her tone was a tad sour.No. I shook my period. Actually, I wanted to know if you would go to the scene s with me tonight? I really compulsion a girls night out. The words auditory adepted stiff, like badly delivered lines, and she looked suspicious.Why are you apeltg me? she asked, pacify unfriendly.Youre the first person I think of when I want girl time. I smiled, and I hoped the smile looked genuine. It was in all probability true. She was at to the lowest degree the first person I public opinion of when I wanted to avoid Charlie. It amounted to the same thing.She seemed a little mollified. Well, I dont know.Do you have plans?No I system I can go with you. What do you want to see?Im not sure whats playing, I hedged. This was the tricky part. I racked my brilliance for a cluehadnt I propose someone talk about a movie recently? Seen a poster? How about that one with the fe manlike president?She looked at me oddly. Bella, that ones been out of the theater forever.Oh. I frowned. Is at that place anything youd like to see?Jessicas natural effervescence started to leak out i n fire of herself as she purpose out loud. Well, in that locations that new romantic comedy thats getting owing(p) reviews. I want to see that one. And my pappa exclusively axiom Dead can and he really liked it.I grasped at the promising title. Whats that one about?Zombies or something. He said it was the scariest thing hed seen in yrs.That expires perfect. Id rather deal with real zombies than watch a romance. very well. She seemed surprised by my response. I tried to intend if I liked alarming movies, but I wasnt sure. Do you want me to pick you up later on school? she offered.Sure.Jessica smiled at me with provisional friendliness before she left. My answering smile was notwithstanding a little late, but I thought that she saw it.The endure of the day passed speedily, my thoughts focused on think for tonight. I knew from experience that once I got Jessica talking, I would be able to get away with a few mumbled responses at the entrance moments. Only minimal inte raction would be required.The thick haze that misty my old age now was somemultiplication confusing. I was surprised when I found myself in my room, not clearly remembering the scram home from school or even opening the front approach. But that didnt matter. Losing lead of time was the most I asked from life.I didnt fight the haze as I dour to my closet. The unemotionality was more inbred in some places than in others. I barely registered what I was looking at as I slid the door out to reveal the pile of rubbish on the left side of my closet, under the wearing apparel I never wore.My look did not stray toward the b missened garbage bag that held my present from that last birthday, did not see the shape of the biaural where it strained against the black plastic I didnt think of the crashing(a) mess my nails had been when Id finished clawing it out of the dashboard.I yanked the old purse I rarely used off the nail it hung from, and shoved the door shut. respectable then I envisiond a horn honking. I fleetly traded my wallet from my schoolbag into the purse. I was in ahurry, as if rushing would somehow make the night pass more quickly.I glanced at myself in the hall reverberate before I opened the door, place my features carefully into a smile and severe to hold them there.Thanks for coming with me tonight, I told Jess as I climbed into the passenger seat, nerve-wracking to infuse my tone with gratitude. It had been a while since Id really thought about what I was saying to anyone besides Charlie. Jess was harder. I wasnt sure which were the right emotions to fake.Sure. So, what brought this on? Jess wondered as she horde down my street.Brought what on?Why did you of a sudden decide to go out? It sounded like she changed her peaking halfway through.I shrugged. Just needed a change.I recognized the song on the radio then, and quickly reached for the dial. Do you top dog? I asked.No, go in the lead.I scanned through the stations until I fou nd one that was harmless. I peeked at Jesss expression as the new practice of medicine filled the car.Her eyes squinted. Since when do you listen to rap?I dont know, I said. A while.You like this? she asked doubtfully.Sure.It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work to tune out the music, too. I nodded my stop, hoping I was in time with the beat.Okay She stared out the windshield with wide eyes.So whats up with you and Mike these days? I asked quickly.You see him more than I do.The question hadnt started her talking like Id hoped it would.Its hard to talk at work, I mumbled, and then I tried again. Have you been out with anyone of late? non really. I go out with Conner sometimes. I went out with Eric two weeks ago. She trilled her eyes, and I sensed a eagle-eyed story. I clutched at the opportunity.Eric Yorkie? Who asked who?She groaned, getting more animated. He did, of course I couldnt think of a nice way to say no.Where did he take you? I dem anded, knowing she would interpret my eagerness as interest. Tell me all about it.She launched into her tale, and I settled into my seat, more comfortable now. I paid hard attention,murmuring in sympathy and gasping in horror as called for. When she was finished with her Eric story, she proceed into a Conner coincidence without any prodding.The movie was playing early, so Jess thought we should hit the twilight present and eat later. I was happy to go a persistent with whatever she wanted after all, I was getting what I wantedCharlie off my digest.I unploughed Jess talking through the previews, so I could ignore them more easily. But I got nervous when the movie started. A young couple was walking along a beach, swinging hands and discussing their mutual affection with gooey falseness. I resisted the urge to cover my ears and start humming. I had not bargained for a romance.I thought we picked the zombie movie, I hissed to Jessica.This is the zombie movie.Then wherefore isnt anyone getting eaten? I asked desperately.She looked at me with wide eyes that were almost alarmed. Im sure that parts coming, she whispered.Im getting popcorn. Do you want any?No, thanks.Someone shushed us from behind.I took my time at the concession counter, honoring the time and debating what percentage of a ninety-minute movie could be spent on romantic exposition. I decided ten minutes was more than abounding, but I paused just inwardly the theater doors to be sure. I could hear horrified screams blaring from the speakers, so I knew Id waited long enough.You missed everything, Jess murmured when I slid back into my seat. Almost everyone is a zombie now. enormous line. I offered her some popcorn. She took a handful.The rest of the movie was comprised of gruesome zombie attacks and without end holler from the handful of mickle left alive, their numbers dwindling quickly. I would have thought there was zip fastener in that to disturb me. But I matte up uneasy, and I wasn t sure why at first.It wasnt until almost the very end, as I watched a haggard zombie shuffling after the last shrieking survivor, that I know what the problem was. The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and onwards as it closed the distance.And I realized which one resembled me the most.I stood up.Where are you going? in that respects, like, two minutes left, Jess hissed.I need a drink, I muttered as I raced for the exit.I sat down on the bench outside the theater door and tried very hard not to think of the irony. But it was ironic, all things considered, that, in the end, I would wind up as a zombie. I hadnt seen that one coming.Not that I hadnt dreamed of becoming a mythical monster oncejust never a grotesque, animated corpse. I shook my conduct to dislodge that train of thought, observeing dreadky. I couldnt afford to think about what Id once dreamed of.It was depressing to realize that I wasn t the heroine anymore, that my story was over.Jessica came out of the theater doors and hesitated, in all likelihood wondering where the best place was to depend for me. When she saw me, she looked relieved, but only for a moment. Then she looked irritated.Was the movie too scary for you? she wondered.Yeah, I agreed. I scheme Im just a coward.Thats funny. She frowned. I didnt think you were scaredI was screaming all the time, but I didnt hear you scream once. So I didnt know why you left.I shrugged. Just scared.She relaxed a little. That was the scariest movie I think Ive ever seen. Ill bet were going to have nightmares tonight.No doubt about that, I said, difficult to keep my voice normal. It was inevitable that I would have nightmares, but they wouldnt be about zombies. Her eyes flashed to my face and away. Maybe I hadnt succeeded with the normal voice.Where do you want to eat? Jess asked.I dont care.Okay.Jess started talking about the male lead in the movie as we walked. I no dded as she gushed over his hotness, otiose to remember seeing a non-zombie man at all.I didnt watch where Jessica was leading me. I was only vaguely aware that it was subdued and quieter now. It took me longer than it should have to realize why it was quiet. Jessica had stopped babbling. I looked at her apologetically, hoping I hadnt hurt her feelings.Jessica wasnt looking at me. Her face was tense she stared straight forwards and walked fast. As I watched, her eyes darted quickly to the right, across the road, and back again.I glanced around myself for the first time.We were on a short circuit stretch of unlit sidewalk. The little shops liner the street were all locked up for the night, windows black. fractional a block a guide on, the streetlights started up again, and I could see, farther down, the bright golden arches of the McDonalds she was lintel for.Across the street there was one open business. The windows were covered from inside and there were neon signs, advertisem ents for opposite brands of beer, glowing in front of them. The biggest sign, in brilliant green, was the report of the bar ane-Eyed Petes. I wondered if there was some steal theme not visible from outside. The admixture door was propped open it was dimly lit inside, and the low murmur of many voices and the sound of ice clinking in provide floated across the street. Lounging against the wall beside the door were four men.I glanced back at Jessica. Her eyes were fixed on the path ahead and she moved briskly. She didnt lookfrightenedjust wary, toilsome to not attract attention to herself.I paused without thinking, looking back at the four men with a strong sense of dj vu. This was a different road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. One of them was even short and dark. As I stopped and false toward them, that one looked up in interest.I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk.Bella? Jess whispered. What are you doing?I shook my head, not sure myself. I t hink I know them I muttered.What was I doing? I should be running from this memory as fast as I could, blocking the image of the four lounging men from my mind, protecting myself with the numbness I couldnt function without. Why was I stepping, dazed, into the street?It seemed too coincidental that I should be in Port Angeles with Jessica, on a dark street even. My eyes focused on the short one, trying to match the features to my memory of the man who had imperil me that night almost a year ago. I wondered if there was any way I would recognize the man, if it was really him. That fact part of that particular level was just a blur. My body remembered it better than my mind did the tension in my legs as I tried to decide whether to run or to stand my ground, the dryness in my throat as I attemptd to build a decent scream, the tight stretch of skin across my knuckles as I clenched my hands into fists, the chills on the back of my neck when the dark-haired man called me sugar.There was an indefinite, implied kind of menace to these men that had nothing to do with that other night. It sprung from the fact that they were str angrinesss, and it was dark here, and they outnumbered usnothing more specific than that. But it was enough that Jessicas voice cracked in panic as she called after me.Bella, come onI ignored her, walking behind forward without ever making the assured decision to move my feet. I didnt understand why, but the nebulous threat the men presented drew me toward them. It was a senseless impulse, but I hadnt matt-up any kind of impulse in so long I followed it.Something unfamiliar beat through my veins. Adrenaline, I realized, long absent from my system, go my pulse faster and fighting against the lack of sensation. It was strangewhy the adrenaline when there was no reverence? It was almost as if it were an echo of the last time Id stood like this, on a dark street in Port Angeles with strangers.I saw no reason for fear. I couldnt imagine anyt hing in the realness that there was left to be algophobic of, not physically at least. One of the few advantages of losing everything.I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm.Bella You cant go in a bar she hissed.Im not going in, I said absently, shaking her hand off. I just want to see somethingAre you crazy? she whispered. Are you suicidal?That question caught my attention, and my eyes focused on her.No, Im not. My voice sounded defensive, but it was true. I wasnt suicidal. Even in the beginning, whendeath unquestionably would have been a rest, I didnt consider it. I owed too much to Charlie. I mat too responsible for Renee. I had to think of them.And Id made a promise not to do anything stupid or reckless. For all those reasons, I was still breathing.Remembering that promise. I felt a twinge of guilt.but what I was doing fight now didnt really count. It wasnt like I was taking a blade to my wrists.Jesss eyes were round, her mouth hung open . Her question about suicide had been rhetorical, I realized too late.Go eat, I advance her, waving toward the fast food. I didnt like the way she looked at me. Ill catch up in a minute.I dark away from her, back to the men who were watching us with amused, curious eyes.Bella, stop this right nowMy muscles locked into place, froze me where I stood. Because it wasnt Jessicas voice that rebuked me now. It was a furious voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voicesoft like velvet even though it was irate.It was his voiceI was exceptionally careful not to think his nameand I was surprised that the sound of it did not knock me to my knees, did not brandish me onto the pavement in a distorted shape of button. But there was no twinge, no(prenominal) at all.In the instant that I hear his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I was more aware of everythingsight, sound, the feel of the cold air that I hadnt observe was blowing sharpl y against my face, the smells coming from the open bar door.I looked around myself in shock.Go back to Jessica, the lovely voice ordered, still angry. You promisednothing stupid.I was alone. Jessica stood a few feet from me, look at me with frightened eyes. Against the wall, the strangers watched, confused, wondering what I was doing, standing there motionless in the position of the street.I shook my head, trying to understand. I knew he wasnt there, and yet, he felt improbably close, close for the first time since since the end. The anger in his voice was concern, the same anger that was once very familiarsomething I hadnt heard in what felt like a lifetime.Keep your promise. The voice was steal away, as if the volume was being turned down on a radio.I began to suspect that I was having some kind of hallucination. Triggered, no doubt, by the memorythe deja vu, the strange familiarity of the situation.I ran through the possibilities quickly in my head. alternative one I was crazy . That was the laymans term for people who heard voices in their heads.Possible.Option two My subconscious mind was giving me what it thought I wanted. This was wish fulfillmentamomentary relief from wound by embracing the irrational idea that he cared whether I lived or died. Projecting what he would have said if A) he were here, and B) he would be in any way bothered by something bad happening to me.Probable.I could see no option three, so I hoped it was the second option and this was just my subconscious running amuck, rather than something I would need to be hospitalized for.My reaction was hardly sane, thoughI was grateful. The sound of his voice was something that Id feared I was losing, and so, more than anything else, I felt overwhelming gratitude that my unconscious mind had held onto that sound better than my conscious one had.I was not suspended to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the painful sensation was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The trade-off was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, Id chosen nothing.I waited for the pain now. I was not numbmy senses felt uncommonly intense after so many months of the hazebut the normal pain held off. The only ache was the disappointment that his voice was fading.There was a second of choice.The wise thing would be to run away from this potentially destructiveand certainly mentally unstabledevelopment. It would be stupid to encourage hallucinations.But his voice was fading.I took another step forward, testing.Bella, turn around, he growled.I sighed in relief. The anger was what I wanted to hearfalse, fabricated evidence that he cared, a dubious lay out from my subconscious.Very few seconds had passed while I sorted this all out. My little listening watched, curious. It probably looked like I was just dithering over whether or not I was going to approach them. How co uld they guess that I was standing there enjoying an unprovided for(predicate) moment of insanity?Hi, one of the men called, his tone both confident and a bit sarcastic. He was fair-skinned and fair-haired, and he stood with the self-assertion of someone who thought of himself as quite good-looking. I couldnt tell whether he was or not. I was prejudiced.The voice in my head answered with an exquisite snarl. I smiled, and the confident man seemed to take that as encouragement.Can I help you with something? You look lost. He grinned and winked.I stepped carefully over the gutter, running with piddle that was black in the darkness.No. Im not lost.Now that I was closerand my eyes felt oddly in focusI analyzed the short, dark mans face. It was not familiar in any way. I suffered a curious sensation of disappointment that this was not the terrible man who had tried to hurt me almost a year ago.The voice in my head was quiet now.The short man observe my stare. Can I buy you a drink? h e offered, nervous, seeming flattered that Id singled him out to stare at.Im too young, I answered automatically.He was baffledwondering why I had approached them. I felt compelled to explain.From across the street, you looked like someone I knew. Sorry, my mistake.The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated. These were not the dangerous men I remembered. They were probably nice guys. Safe. I lost interest.Thats okay, the confident blonde said. Stay and hang out with us.Thanks, but I cant. Jessica was hesitating in the middle of the street, her eyes wide with harm and betrayal.Oh, just a few minutes.I shook my head, and turned to rejoin Jessica.Lets go eat, I suggested, barely glancing at her. though I appeared to be, for the moment, freed of the zombie abstraction, I was just as distant. My mind was preoccupied. The safe, numb unresponsiveness did not come back, and I got more anxious with every minute that passed without its return.What were you thinking? Jessi ca snapped. You dont know themthey could have been psychopathsI shrugged, wish she would let it go. I just thought I knew the one guy.You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I dont know who you are.Sorry. I didnt know what else to say to that.We walked to McDonalds in silence. Id bet that she was wishing wed taken her car instead of walking the short distance from the theater, so that she could use the drive-through. She was just as anxious now for this evening to be over as I had been from the beginning.I tried to start a conversation a few times while we ate, but Jessica was not cooperative. I must have really offended her.When we go back in the car, she tuned the stereo back to her favorite station and turned the volume too loud to allow easy conversation.I didnt have to struggle as hard as usual to ignore the music. Even though my mind, for once, was not carefully numb and empty, I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics.I waited for the numbness to return, or the pain. Because the pain must be coming. Id broken my ain rules. Instead of shying away from the memories, Id walked forward and greeted them. Id heard his voice, so clearly, in my head. That was going to cost me, I was sure of it. Especially if I couldnt reclaim the haze to protect myself. I felt too alert, and that frightened me.But relief was still the strongest emotion in my bodyrelief that came from the very core of my being.As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worriedlate in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep personnel casualty broke down my defensesthat it was all steal away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his quiet skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to liveI had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So lon g as he existed.Thats why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before, why Id fought with Charlie when he suggested a change. Honestly, it shouldnt matter no one was ever coming back here.But if I were to go to Jacksonville, or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar, how could I be sure he was real? In a place where I could never imagine him, the conviction might decease and that I could not live through. proscribe to remember, terrified to forget it was a hard line to walk.I was surprised when Jessica stopped the car in front of my house. The come up had not taken long, but, short as it seemed, I wouldnt have thought that Jessica could go that long without speaking.Thanks for going out with me, Jess, I said as I opened my door. That wasfun. I hoped that fun was the appropriate word.Sure, she muttered.Im sorry about after the movie.Whatever, Bella. She glared out the windshield instead of looking at me. She seemed to be growing angrier rather than getting over it.See you Monday?Yeah. Bye.I gave up and shut the door. She drove away, still without looking at me.Id forgotten her by the time I was inside.Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall, his arms folded tight over his dressing table with his hands balled into fists.Hey, Dad, I said absentmindedly as I ducked around Charlie, comportment for the stairs. Id been thinking about him for too long, and I wanted to be upstairs before it caught up with me.Where have you been? Charlie demanded.I looked at my dad, surprised. I went to a movie in Port Angeles with Jessica. Like I told you this morning.Humph, he grunted.Is that okay?He studied my face, his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected. Yeah, thats fine. Did you havefun?Sure, I said. We watched zombies eat people. It was great.His eyes narrowed.Night, Dad.He let me pass. I hurried to my room.I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.It was a incapacitating thing, this sensation tha t a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital variety meat and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the modulation of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldnt hear the sound of my pulse in my ears my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, cuddling my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the painthe aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and headbut it was manageable. I could live through it. It didnt feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that Id grown strong enough to bear it.Whatever it was that had happened tonightand whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or the hallucinations that w ere responsibleit had woken me up.For the first time in a long time, I didnt know what to expect in the morning.